Rebecca records under duress, as they have 48 hours until departure and Murray the cat still has no health certificate from the USDA.
Where to find Aimee:
Where to find Rebecca:
Rebecca records under duress, as they have 48 hours until departure and Murray the cat still has no health certificate from the USDA.
Where to find Aimee:
Where to find Rebecca:
Welcome to Bonjola, a podcast about two women, Amy and Rebecca, who each moved from the United States to Europe to become expats, Amy to Spain and Rebecca to France. We're here to share the highs, the lows, and the logistics of this adventure, encourage you to follow your own move abroad dreams, and remind you that you're not alone when the going gets tough. Enjoy.
Track 1:Bonjoula, Rebecca.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:I am doing this recording under duress, but we hit the record button anyway because I do think that what we're talking about today is important for people to hear.
Track 1:I'm scared more than excited, but I mean, this is, this is it. Like we're, we're just not going to hold back on the reality of the situation.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:like we were, you know, last time we were recording I said I think the last, next time we record I'll be in Paris, which I just did my math wrong. I didn't realize that we had an extra week between then and then. But the reason I'm feeling all eeyore about life is because I still don't have my cat paperwork, and we're supposed to get on a plane in two days. And we're supposed to check in for that plane tomorrow, you know, it's like so right now. And it reminds me of your feeling. You didn't even have your visas when you left for Spain. So I figured it'd be a good thing to talk about, like, Hey, listeners, how you're going to feel the week you're leaving. It's probably not going to be great.
Track 1:No, No, it will not be great.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:And I mean, I'm still super excited to go. Like most of the feelings are still all positive arrows, but I have to say that this, the paperwork and the lack of control that you feel like I can logically sit here and know that no matter what happens, if I don't get the paperwork, we'll figure it out. It's not like it's going to keep us from going to France. It just probably would delay at least one human and one cat.
Track 1:Right.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:But, it just makes me sick to my stomach. I've woken up, and it's not just the cat stuff. I have woken up most mornings, the last three mornings, just kind of spontaneously crying about something, whatever it is, like, the cup's in the wrong spot. And then you just like, leak. It's like your body's looking for an opportunity to leak out of your eyeballs.
Track 1:I laugh because it's relatable.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:So, okay, let's turn this over to you. What did you experience the week? Leaving. Bring back some trauma.
Track 1:I mean there was We had it staged and so, like, you guys are doing all of the things all at once. And we had it staged where we were out of our house a week before we
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:Mm.
Track 1:And, and so it was like, hurry up, panic, panic, panic. Oh gosh, that was, yes, yes. I, one of the things that I did right before we left is that, there was a logistical hiccup where, the guy who was supposed to clean my house quit without notice. And so, So we had to reschedule it and I'm like, here's the deal. We're out of this house. Like we can't, we're not gonna be here. And so they had it rescheduled. They rescheduled as soon as possible. And it coincided with the cleaning of the house. If I am remembering this correctly, and I may not, because.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:It's a blur.
Track 1:It is. It's a blur and details get lost And it's a mess, but,
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:think that's where part of the panic comes from, is that you, you feel like you've got that same brain fog that grips, us when we're, you know, about to get married or about to have a baby. Your brain is so foggy feeling that you're afraid you're missing details that you're not necessarily even missing.
Track 1:And, and details that you are missing. Like when Shane sold his car And he signed the title over, he put the wrong year down.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:And that's a big deal because once you leave the country, like we're tying up so many loose ends like that, and I'm like, okay, We got to get the cable box in that is a physical manifestation item. We talked about that last time, you know, um, or like I'm trying to change my address and the post office doesn't actually register our addresses because of all the construction we've done on this property.
Track 1:Oh,
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:So I couldn't do it online. So you go in in person and they're telling you, well, you would need to do this and this and this. And then you're looking at them going. Hi, I'm I'm leaving the country in six days and so you have to stand at these bureaucratic counters going are you sure there's no Way, it is impossible for us to take care of this issue and you just have to stand there asking it Over and over and over again until they're so worn down. They're like, okay Well, we can do it this way And you leave like You leave these meetings and tasks feeling both successful, like I vanquished a dragon, but also, like, beaten up and bloody, like the dragon took a couple of bites out of you.
Track 1:yeah, because you vanquished a dra yeah, because you've been dragon
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:of bites. and unlike
Track 1:you don't emerge from that without a
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:just one big dragon it's a bunch of baby dragons that are really obnoxious. Like, nothing's bad, aside from the stress of, you know, not having your visa to go to Spain or not having your cat's travel paperwork, which I do not want to diminish the stress of that. But aside from that, things are going well, but your body is in this, like, flight or fright mode. I mean, like, I just try to not think about it, because every time I think about it, it's like getting sucker punched in the stomach. Yeah,
Track 1:exactly. you have to disassociate. And if you don't know how to disassociate, it's an excellent opportunity to begin to learn that skill.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:unhealthy skill?
Track 1:I don't think so. I mean, We use it, when we're describing it, we commonly refer to it as a pathological adaptation. However, if people did not ever disassociate, wars could not be fought. If people didn't disassociate, I mean, you couldn't, you certainly, Couldn't have more than one child. Mm
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:It is true. It is, it is a defense mechanism that has its reason for existing.
Track 1:hmm. Yeah, I think it's a, it's an adaptation that has allowed us to survive things which emotionally and mentally and physically, right? If you stay in an area of extreme emotional discomfort for long enough, it will physically tear you
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:Yeah. Speaking,
Track 1:those adaptations allow us to continue to live.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:speaking of physical adaptations. Okay. So you had an Airbnb for your final week.
Track 1:No we stayed with a friend, actually. Our final week in town, we stayed with a friend.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:I would love to know. Um, to let listeners know, for me, it's, I'm staying, we're staying in our house because it's going to be handed off as a rental, um, and so we are staying here. We're currently camping on the floor. We gave away all of our furniture yesterday, no, Sunday, um, and we're comfortable. It's nice actually kind of being still at home. And I'm super curious about you staying with friends because with this cat paperwork stuff, I'm like, well, okay, if I need to stay here longer, am I going to try and stay with a friend? Am I going to do a hotel or an Airbnb? All of course, complicated by said cat, the whole reason for the delay. I don't like the idea of staying with friends and I don't know exactly what this says about me if it's talking about my control issues or my introverted issues or both. I don't like the idea of staying with friends. It feels like it's more complicating than less complicating. What was your experience of staying with friends? I stayed with
Track 1:I stayed with a friend who is very uncomplicated. Um, and very honest and very direct. And so I didn't have to, thank God, I didn't have to worry about any of the things that I would normally need to worry about, like somebody feeling a certain way and not telling me or being a little like, you know, passive aggressive and, and she's, you know, she has a very large house, uh, that allowed us to, and all of our suitcases to comfortably be there. Um, Yeah, three humans and six suitcases, right? And because we were there that last week, there was a lot of like, that was the week that it was really whittling down, what goes in the suitcase, what stays, what, you know what are the last minute Amazon purchases
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:I don't know what you're talking about.
Track 1:I know, I think you have admitted already that you have, in fact.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:I will say, side note, the final thing to show up, well the final thing will be my discontinued face wash. I'm still waiting on that, but I obviously will survive if it doesn't come. So if it doesn't come, the very final thing that showed up was a small cat beret. I decided that was my final emergency purchase.
Track 1:I want pictures of Marie in the beret,
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:the intention, well, if I make it. Yeah, what you're saying about your friend, like, both the passive aggressive, like, you know, feelings thing, that's definitely on my mind as one complication, but it's also just like, are they the kind of people who stay up late? What if I want to go to bed early? Or what if I want to stay up talking and they want to, you know, it's just, it's complicating to interact with other humans. It doesn't
Track 1:doesn't have to be, but I think,
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:fair.
Track 1:at least where we're from, we've made it that way. And that's, I mean, that's one of the things about, you know, this person. She does entertain a lot because she has a house that is built, in such a way that she can host, she does host often. And so you come in there and she's like, you know, put the dishes here because I like the dishwasher a certain way. Um, you know, do this, do that. When you're done, pull the, uh, Pull the sheets off the bed and there's the washer downstairs, right? So, like, she walks you through her expectations of you. All the, yeah, right? All the while also making you feel like, Hey, welcome home. And I know her schedule, and so I know if she's gonna be up late or not. Like, I, I know her well enough to know those things.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:of Gathering yet?
Track 1:No.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:Okay. It just reminds me of this book. So there's this fabulous book called The Art of Gathering by Priya Somebody. And it's all about, uh, it's very wide ranging. Everything covering like birthday parties to like when the UN has to get together and save the planet. You know, any kind of a gathering. And she talks about Who you invite, how you orient them, how you set up the expectations so that people get out of the gathering, what they need, and everybody's on the same page. And I use this in my training of my designers a lot. Like, okay, when people, when we go to somebody's house, they're nervous. How do we set them at ease? How do we make sure that we're leading the conversation? Because that's what they're paying us for. And how do we close our meeting? But, and then when I train my people on that, I always talk about how like flight attendants and massage therapists do such a great job with this. Like here's how you get out of the plane in a fire. Here's how naked you should be for your massage. But we don't think about that in our private lives nearly as often as I think we can. And even just hosting somebody for a three day weekend, if we take those same skills and say, you know, here's the keys, you can come and go as you want. Here's how the. Security system works. We're not going to set it while you're here or whatever. All of those things reduce anxiety just like the massage therapist is doing for the person going on the table. And it's such a gift. Hosts who do that are giving people a gift.
Track 1:Yes.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:Yeah. It really creates space for you to know how to behave. Which is my favorite thing. I love knowing the rules.
Track 1:Were you an etiquette columnist in a former life?
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:Uh, well, if we're going, if I'm answering that question, honestly, I don't know about my formal life, but as a child, I did ask for etiquette books as gifts. I had a book on napkin folding, it was one of my, I still have that book. I love
Track 1:Oh my god, amazing.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:a set of dictionaries as my graduation present from high school. I still have my dictionaries. Yeah, I really like knowing the rules. I don't need to necessarily follow them. It just gives me such a sense of comfort.
Track 1:Mm
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:This is why I devour books on, well, like France. Bringing Up Bebe was one of my favorite pre France books that I've talked about with everybody I talk about France with. Because it just orients me to the culture, and like, even if I choose to be an obnoxious American, I want to be making it as a conscious choice. If I'm going to offend people, at least I want to do it somewhat on purpose. It's why I like watching, um, Emily in Paris, and then reading forums about people's responses to Emily in Paris, both from an American and a French perspective. We can learn so much from forms of entertainment like that.
Track 1:Yeah. So I imagine since you don't have the cat health certificate yet, you are mulling over your plan B options in your mind.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:Yeah, a little, although we bring it up and then I'm like, I kind of shut down again. Damien will start trying to problem solve it. And I'm like, I know we might have to solve for this, but I don't feel like coming up with solutions right now. Makes the solution any closer. Like, I feel like I can wait till I have more information and it's not going to,
Track 1:hmm.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:it's funny to say that out loud. Cause I'm like, well, I could be researching cat friendly hotels or I could be looking for a cat friendly Airbnbs. But the thing is, Amy, we still have so much to do. You know, we still have to. the actual bags. We still have to put a few more pieces of furniture down into storage and we have to clean this place top to bottom. We still have some paint touch up. Like there is, I stopped to go to Goodwill. Yeah. So I don't really have time to pre research us not leaving on Thursday. Cause if I. If that happens, it will also create the time I will need to figure out the solution. There
Track 1:true. I didn't realize there was still so much left for you to
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:is.
Track 1:Yeah. Wow.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:but it's all it all feels manageable. What feels a little heavy is that I'm giving a presentation eight days after we. land in Paris. And I really thought I would have that presentation written by now. But the move chaos has been more than I accounted for. And it's not that we don't have extra hours in the day. But by the time I get to those extra hours, I don't have anything left to give.
Track 1:Yeah, your creative juices sopped. Yeah.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:So I know I'll get it together. Um, it's not new content. I know my job, but Um, I simply have had to say that's apparently not A now thing. Um, okay. Hold on. I got a side note. This we can cut this out or we can leave this in Damian. What's the name of that book with Ari where it's a not? That's not a today. There's a book called something like the slow regard of silent things by Patrick Rothfuss. Many listeners will know the series of books because he wrote a trilogy of which only the first two books are out. The name of the wind. We've all been waiting a decade for this. So anyway, he wrote a side book and it was marvelous. One of the lessons in it, the slow regard of silent things, whatever it's called, is that we wake up, people like me at least, wake up with a plan and then the day has other plans. One of my favorite quotes too is like, life, life is what happens when you're making other plans. But she had this way of looking at Changes in plans by going, Oh, I thought it was an organizing day, but it turns out it's a gathering day.
Track 1:Nice.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:And I've, my mother and I both have used this phrase for years now where we go, Oh, I thought this day was meant for moving to Paris, but apparently this day was meant for doing something
Track 1:For finding a cat hotel!
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:things like that when you can giggle about it a little bit, it does help.
Track 1:I love that perspective. I mean, it gives you an illusion of control. It's like, oh, I just didn't know what I was supposed to be doing today. Oh, now I know, so I can act accordingly. And, you know, no, but boy, that feels good.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:Yeah, yeah, it's a mental shift. And the most profound book I've ever written, apparently this is just going to be a book podcast today, um, is Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. It, oh, it is the best. And the whole book is about what we do have control over and at the end of it all, the only thing we have control over is our response to things. But we still have that.
Track 1:Yep. Yeah, that, that book actually did come to my mind several times in the process of, of leaving and moving. Um. And it, you know, it was, it was a small leap from that book to, you know, thinking about Spain and their history to coming up with that, you know, kind of that mantra that, you know, if we're not dead in a ditch, it's, it's a good day.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:yeah, yeah, and this too shall pass, which both means the good things. That's a, that's a phrase I've been really holding on to the last few weeks. I love the two sides of it. This two shall pass is, you know, I don't have the cat paperwork. This is going to shake itself out. But this two shall pass, there's been beautiful moments in this hurry up and wait game. You know, Damien and I taking our final walks through the forest. The weather yesterday was bananas. We had sunshine. We had rain. We had thunder. We had hail. We had snow. And we paused to take it in. Because this too shall pass. I will say, if anybody's in the middle of this chaos, I would not recommend Viktor Frankl's book right now. This is a, this is a heavy read. It's marvelous. But this is a read for in your life when things are normal. If you would like some sort of a life help book right now, try Who Moved My Cheese? It is a much lighter read, also life changing.
Track 1:Yes. Who Moved My Cheese is an excellent one. I haven't thought about that book in a good 20
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:These are classics. These are the ones that have built my foundation. Whatever mental health I have, I give it to these books. The Artist's Way, that's a, that's a good one. That's an okay one for, I think, mid crisis, because you can start morning pages
Track 1:Yep.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:any moment.
Track 1:Yep.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:Well, folks, this has been Rebecca's Mental Health Tea, brought to you in the last weeks of moving to another country.
Track 1:hmm.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:I hope it
Track 1:Sponsored by Pepto Bismol.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:You laugh, and yet
Track 1:Because I know.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:Oh, good lord. Alright, I am ready to leave that there. Is there any wisdom you would like to bestow upon our audience before we wrap this up?
Track 1:hmm. I don't know, I think we've really done a decent job of laying it out. You just have to, it is important to have those moments where you just sit in the bathroom and cry, um, to let it out, you know? Don't pretend everything's fine when it's
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:You're gonna feel stupid about it because you're You're moving to a whole nother country. You're living the dream. Whatever.
Track 1:And I will also say as a, um, a piece of foreshadowing for you. When you land in Paris, it doesn't become easier right away, and your brain doesn't, doesn't always arrive with you. So,
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:that's important for me to hear, and probably for our listeners, too. As
Track 1:since you're giving a talk eight days after you arrive. It's, um,
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:I
Track 1:give yourself a little bit of grace around that.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:The nice thing is, it's to a group of students. And so I like that I'm talking to a group of people who are also trying to launch, you know, a career and a dream, because I'm in that very raw state. Of launching a career and a dream. And I think it's important when we're talking to people in this place to go, it's messy and you're gonna feel like an idiot and that doesn't mean you're on the wrong path. And so I can channel that right now, not for myself, but because I'm feeling it and I am a grown up enough at 46 years old to have felt this before. I know it means I'm on the right path and you got to feel the fear. And you got to do it anyway.
Track 1:Yep. Bravery is not about not having fear. It's just about not letting the fear stop you.
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:Exactly. All right, folks, live your dreams. Live your adventures.
Track 1:Beautiful!
rebecca_3_02-27-2024_090814:bientot.
Track 1:Adios!
We hope you enjoyed this episode of Bonjola. If you did, the best thing you can do is share it with another person brave enough to move abroad. See you next time!