Bonjhola
The adventures of two American expat entrepreneurs - Aimee in Spain and Rebecca in France. Follow their adventures setting up new lives in these two countries while running their business, Aimee as a nutritionist at Vibrance Nutrition, hosting the podcast Blasphemous Nutrition, and Rebecca as an Interior Design Business Coach, hosting the podcast Stuff Interior Designers Need To Know.
Bonjhola
EP 57: A Tearful 2024 in Review - Rebecca is Freefalling; Aimee is Skating on Thin Ice - But We're Fine! ... Everything's Fine.
Where to find Aimee:
- Instagram: @vibrancenutrition
- Nutrition Coaching: vibrancenutrition.com
- Podcast on Nutrition: Blasphemous Nutrition
- Substack on Nomadic Life: NomadicNomMom
Where to find Rebecca:
- Instagram and her life in Paris: @beseriouslyhappy
- Podcast for Interior Design-preneurs: Stuff Interior Designers Need to Know
- Biz Coaching for Interior Designers: seriouslyhappy.com
- Book on Interior Design Psychology: Happy Starts at Home
Welcome to Bonjola, a podcast about two women, Amy and Rebecca, who each moved from the United States to Europe to become expats, Amy to Spain and Rebecca to France. We're here to share the highs, the lows, and the logistics of this adventure, encourage you to follow your own move abroad dreams, and remind you that you're not alone when the going gets tough. Enjoy.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Bonjola, Rebecca.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Manjola, Amy.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Um, to our listeners, today's episode is going to have a slightly different tone than you may be accustomed to hearing from us because, um, because we have chosen to record whilst shit gets real.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Yes, I have, I have just been crying, and I am going to not be crying as much as I can on this recording, but no promises.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Don't believe you. I think you're gonna be crying. Maybe not as hard as you were earlier, but I think you're gonna get teary.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:It's been a wild year. It has been a wild ride.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Fuck it has, pardon my language, guys. I'm so sorry. One of these days. I'll either, I'll either continuously remember to put explicit so that you all know what's coming or I'll stop cursing.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Well, you just described, I asked you, let me try that again. I feel that I have been in free fall. I don't think I knew it, but I think I've been in free fall for a year, and now I am hyper aware of the fact that I am falling through space, plummeting to what feels like my death. It's great, and you said that you feel like you're on thin ice. I'd like to hear more about what you mean by that. Let's start there.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:So for all intents and purposes, we've made it. We're here, we're settled. We have kind of, we've figured out about half of our tax situation. And our kid's in school. And it could all be taken away in a moment. Um, I don't feel, I don't feel like we've done it. Right? We've, I mean, objectively on the outside, we've done it. We're skating, we're skating, we're skating on the lake. And I'm like, the lake is going to crack and I'm going to fall through and be in the icy water. And I don't know when, and I don't know if it'll just be a crack or if suddenly the bottom will collapse out from under me. Um, but.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:And the way, when you describe that, what I feel in my body is how, like if you were skating in a, in a skating rink, then you can really abandon yourself to the joy.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:But if you feel like there's thin ice, you can never relax. You're always holding yourself tense, waiting for that moment to come. What's, do you know what it is that's making it feel precarious?
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah, it's my future.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Well, more specifically, Amy,
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Well, I have to think about what I can say that goes out to the world, um, that doesn't compromise.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:well, actually, let me speak to that for a second because both Amy and I, dear listeners, are living real lives, you know, we're not just recording a podcast and sipping, you know, whatever you drink in Spain and eating croissants
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Vermouth. Yeah.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Some of the heavy garbage that comes with being in your middle ages. And not all of that is stuff we want to share publicly, for obvious reasons. But what you have to know is that when you leave your home country and go to another country, not only does that stuff not magically disappear, but I think Amy would agree with me that it becomes harder or more complex because You know, you're dealing with things at a distance. You feel like things are threatening something you're trying so hard to do and could take it from you. And, you know, and then there's just stupid stuff like time zones just literally making it harder to actually deal with bureaucratic stuff. So both of us have stuff that we're not sharing with you guys, but it's, it's
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Ever present, permeating everything that we do and think about on some level.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Exactly. So, so we, what you're saying is it is that heavy life stuff that is making it feel like this dream could be snatched away from you.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah, and to, to kind of give a sense to the listener, I am, I am, I am the sandwich generation. The generation that birthed me is aging, not well. And I have seven years before my child goes to college. I don't want my child to I don't want my child to be in a school in the United States. And we're recording this December 19th, which is just days after a private school, a private Christian school, exper was number 83 in 2024, to
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:does it, it feels like a fiction story. It feels like how could that possibly be real?
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Because Hollywood has created enough dystopian freaking movies that we are, we are creating our reality. And it's dystopian and nasty.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Yeah, so the stakes, I mean, for me, I want to be in France for my own well being. I don't have children. You're literally wanting to stay in Spain for the well being of your child.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:And mine! Let's get, let's, let's be clear. I also do not want to age in the United States. I don't like how the US treats its elders. I don't like the health system that elders are, I don't like the health system that anybody is shuttled into, but when you are elderly and you are in a culture that deems you disposable, unlike Spain, which validates and honors their elders. Like I, why would I choose that if I had an out?
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Well, my, I didn't mean that you don't want to protect yourself, but I just mean that your stakes are even higher than mine. And I think this is the thing, it's like You know, you think of being an expat, okay, first you got to prepare. In my case, that was my husband selling his company, me taking my company apart, him building a house, renting that house, me selling my house, investing in Portugal, like some huge steps.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:You, you apply for your visa, you finally get to your country. Now you spend a year ish figuring out what the hell is going on, how to speak the language really, not from a textbook. And, and you think, okay, once I get through that, then I can breathe. And what I'm finding is, nope, there's a whole nother chapter where now that you've made it, you're terrified. It's going to be taken away from you.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking about, you know, I was thinking about the other day, how much I wish I had had the opportunity, how much I had wished I had gotten out of the States a decade ago, um, and stayed
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:that was, yeah. Cause you lived in Costa
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah, yeah. Costa Rica and Mexico. Um, and neither of those places were the right places. Because we were not as economically stable as we are now.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Because this stuff is expensive folks way more than you think it's going to
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah. And, um, you know, had we done that, I don't know that I would have gotten my master's degree. I don't know what would have happened to my career, honestly. At the time, the digital nomad visa wasn't available, so we would have had to go non lucrative visa. And there was a gray area, right, where we could still work and make an income on the non lucrative visa because loopholes, which they've now closed. But, you know, if Spain wasn't even on my radar then it would have been Canada and that wouldn't have, wouldn't have turned, turned out so well. But I,
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:is it not far enough or what do you mean by not turned out so well?
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:because in my opinion, Over the last four or five years, the entire English speaking, western, industrialized world has gone insane. Just I don't really want to get too political, though.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Oh, well, then let's not. Okay. So Canada wouldn't have worked.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah, Canada wouldn't have worked., And You know, yeah, like I said, Spain wasn't on my radar, but you know, had I had Spain been on my radar, had we made it here a decade ago, I would have had my residency by now, which would give me the freedom to go back and forth to the states and take care of family matters without the risk of losing my qualification for residency in five years.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Exactly.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:My child would be fully integrated into the culture in a way that he won't ever be able to because he would have grown up in it and, yeah, you know, been a part of the culture in a way that he won't ever be because of when we moved. Um, and I could have had even if, even if things go as bad as I'm expecting them to and I have to go back. To the States for six months, a year, four years, God knows how long. I would have at least had a decade to enjoy this moment instead of maybe six more months or maybe another year or maybe who knows. And I think that's the thing that's so, that feel, the thing that feels like thin ice for me is that I know things are going to change. I don't know how far along the process of full integration I will be when the time comes, but since I've moved here, I have realized that that time will be shorter than I want it to be and shorter than I thought it would be when we started this process. And so things will change that will impact. How we're staying here that will have us likely need to re look at the visa process and work around that. Um, and in going back to the States and taking care of things, whenever that moment is, but will be sooner rather than later, I don't know how long I'll need to be there.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Do you see yourself going back and having your husband and son stay in Spain? Could they pursue residency and ultimately you could just. I'm going to be married to a resident.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:I think logistically that could happen, but Emotionally, I don't think any of us would do well there. We're so tight knit.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:cause I'd be a lot of time apart.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah, we're so tight knit as a family and I don't think it's good for my son to be in the budding stages of adolescence or perhaps in adolescence and not have a mother around.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:See listeners, we're feeling heavy stuff today.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah. So, you know, all of this has been affecting Do I pursue getting property in Spain? Do I not pursue getting property in Spain? If I pursue getting property in Spain and we get property in Spain and this stuff happens and we have to reapply for the visa as though we hadn't already got the process started, will having a property in Spain help us out? If it helps us out, well, yes, we should do that. If it doesn't help us out, what are What are the tax implications of then having a property in Spain? Cause I need to be thinking about that and globally. And this is something too, that I think people in the U S don't necessarily realize globally, the entire world is cracking down on immigration.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Yeah.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:So Spain has already scrapped the golden visa. They've made that decision. It's happening in January where you will no longer be able to get. A visa with a pathway to residency simply by having enough money to buy a half a million euro house We missed that window And I I do actually have quite a lot of feelings about missing that window Because that also would have made my life a lot easier Because there's no travel restrictions on the golden visa like there are with the digital nomad visa um Yeah, it really freaking sucks. France is cracking down on immigration. They're doing border checks now, um, or they, they've said they're going to start doing border checks at the Spain French border when you're traveling by car because of concerns about immigration, illegal immigration into France through Spain. Um, so, you know, Britain obviously is having issues with immigrants. Um, and immigration, and there is a big anti immigration sentiment happening in Britain as well. Germany is having problems, um, so, you know, what, what people are feeling as strong anti immigration sentiment in the U. S. is by no means a Trump only phenomenon. It is happening across the world, and I, and also something else that's happening across the world is incumbent leaders. are getting ousted. They're not being reelected, which is uncommon. Usually an incumbent gets the seat and that's not happening right now. There is a lot of disruption worldwide. It's not just happening in the states. And so this has an element of insecurity. If I have to take care of matters at home and I come back, will Spain let me in? Will they be as welcoming As they are right now. Logically, I would say I imagine so because they still need those tax dollars from you know, from foreigners who are
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:But it is, it is the uncertainty that makes it all so exciting. Precarious, because we don't know, and we've talked about this before in episodes where becoming an expat is like peeling off a layer of your skin and being, you know, just being like, Oh, a new one will grow back. It'll be fine.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Here's a big question that everybody wants to know the Rebecca. Are you under anesthesia when the skin gets pulled
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:No. No. No. Well,
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Okay, I feel like I may have gotten some anesthesia because it doesn't feel that graphically atrocious to me.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:wait,
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Or maybe I'm just really good at self hypnosis.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:I think one of the things you just said really struck me, which was you kind of pulled back to the global perspective and you're, you're a hundred percent right. The whole world is in a chapter of uncertainty right now.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:And I wonder if that's part of why I'm feeling so free fall right now. It's not just my free fall. Maybe the whole world is feeling like it's in free fall in that sense of security. That we kind of take for granted when things feel safe is just missing. You know, Pantone decided that Brown was the color of the year. Uh, technically mocha mousse, but it's Brown folks. And I have feelings about color of the year anyway, but what that really is, it's always a trend forecast. And what it's saying is the world is craving. Comfort and cozy and stability and that feeling of home, because that's what brown does in color psychology. It is a very trustworthy, reliable, steady color. You don't fear somebody in a brown suit, you know? And it almost helps me to realize, well what am I saying, it makes me feel less alone, even though I wouldn't wish this feeling on anybody else. But maybe we're all feeling a bit of it together.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:I can tell you my Seattle area clients are definitely feeling like the bottom's dropping out. Um, you know, the political unrest. Is problematic. And, and creates a great deal of uncertainty for a lot of people. Uh, so yeah, maybe you are just kind of picking up on that worldwide unsettled nature. And ultimately, I think, I think part of the reason why I'm like, yeah, these are uncertain times. We got to take that into account, but I'm not, I don't feel connected. I don't feel attached to it. Like, Oh my God, this is it. The global thing is super duper problematic for me. I'm not viscerally feeling that because what I'm the story that I'm telling myself is that what is happening is the beginning of the ripple effect from the pandemic.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:What do you mean by that?
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:That, you know, the pandemic was a shake, right? It was like the earthquake and in that point in time, we're just holding on. We're just like, okay, we got to get through this. We got to get through this. And now that we're, and I'm quoting here through it, we're seeing the ripple effect. We're seeing the, we're experiencing all of the things that happen that you realize. After the fact, result of the result of the pandemic is something that we are going to be experiencing for the next generation because the Children who were impacted and who didn't get the education that they needed and will have long term impacts because of that, right there, that is going to irreversibly shape how they view the world. And it isn't really until they become adults. that this chapter will be sealed and complete.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:I like how you described it as a shake because I do kind of picture like if a big, like a big, big earthquake happens, as you say, you hold on in the moment and then you have to leave. The building that you were safe in and you survived and you look at the rubble, you look at everything around you that's collapsed, you have to take an inventory of who you've lost and find the people that you can find and then you have to rebuild. The best outcome is that everybody comes together and holds hands and rebuilds together. And obviously right now we've got a lot of division in the world but I also think we have the opportunity to say Let's build it a little differently. You know, let me get to know my neighbors. This is something that I'm really, you know, marriages are funny things. I really want to know my neighbors. I don't know where it comes from. It might be a Southern thing. Um, it might be the fact that I watched friends growing up and I'm like, I want to just walk down the hall and have a friend. So we just, we finally moved into an apartment where we're going to be for seven months. And I'm like, okay, cool. I want to invite my neighbors over. And my husband goes, don't do that. Probably because he grew up in Jersey where, you know, you protect yourself from other people because other people are out to get you, I guess. Um, but, If we're going to rebuild together, we have to find a way to not be afraid of our neighbors. And I think the only way to not be afraid of your neighbors is to get to know them.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Even if it means now you have to say hi to somebody who has bad breath in the hallway, or talks too much, or, you know, always complains about you coming home at 9 o'clock at night and slamming your door even though you know you're not. Like, I know neighbors can be problematic.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:But the more we isolate ourselves, the bigger the problems become.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yes and no. I don't think, I don't think that, I mean there's what, what, what you're calling isolation. I'm not perceiving as isolation. I see that as the initial retraction where the earthquake has just happened. The first thing that you do before you go out into the world is, Am I okay? Are my family okay? Are my people okay? Where's my cat? Right? You
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:very, it's very tribal.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah, and that is the stage that we are in. This is why borders are closing down. This is why there's anti immigration sentiment. This is why there was such a strong, I think, conservative pushback. Why a lot of, like, cities are getting tougher on crime because the, you know, because of what happened before is no longer working for a lot of people. And they, they feel a strong need to take care of them, to get taken, to be able to get take care of themselves first. So like when I say we're in the early stages of the ripple effect, I mean, we're in the very early stages of the ripple effect. And it's going to take some time on a global level for people to feel safe enough to get to, to even see who their neighbor is. Because on the global stage, there's also a lot of conflict brewing. That's like any moment something can explode and it can get really, really nasty. Mm
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:of insecurity, you know, my own free fall and your thin ice and now the whole world. Looking at 2025. What are your thoughts for yourself? Is it just take it day by day?
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:I keep skating on thin ice. You know, if I can look ahead on the lake and see a patch of ice that looks a little thicker you bet I'm going to go in that direction, but I'm not going to get off the pond. And I'm here. And I'm going to do the best I can with the knowledge that I have in each moment. And the hardest thing, the hardest thing for me since this past summer has been being present and being able to actually fully enjoy, I am in Spain, I am here in Spain, I have these moments in Spain, soak them up because it
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Don't miss it.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:because it might get taken away. I am so afraid. to be here in Spain because when that has to change for how, how long it ends up changing, the more attached I am to Spain, the more it's going to hurt. But if I don't be in the moment, and if I don't enjoy this opportunity, I still mess out. And I don't know how to reconcile that right now. Because I'm very, very, I have very, very cleverly, emotionally protected myself.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:But that creates distance between yourself and the reality that you really want to experience.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:right, and I don't know how to, I'm not, I haven't yet figured out how to hijack my protector. So, and I don't, you know, part of me is like, well, this is, this is the part that's trying to protect me. It's like, well, you don't really want to do that. You don't really want to open yourself up for like other devastating heartbreak because like when, if, when you have to go back, you also have to keep your shit fucking together because. Sorry for my language, folks. Uh, because like you're going to have to step up to adulting in a way that you have never been asked to do that is decidedly beyond your field of expertise.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:And I think
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:laying on the floor crying because you miss Spain. Right.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:which was, it's almost like I'm breaking through a shell and experiencing a new level of adulting that I've never experienced before. And I literally said to my mom, I just don't think I'm strong enough. And you know, I've been through really dark moments, particularly in my divorce, which is an obvious dark moment, but also When I was starting my first company, I would literally hide under my desk and cry. I was hiding from the world. And my husband, my new wonderful husband, over the years has reminded me that the things that put me under my desk, sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively, have changed over the years. The things that made me cry 20 years ago, I laugh at now, I'm like, I can handle that.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Right.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:And I think that this is a leveling up. This is me. finding out that I'm yet even stronger than I thought I was. I think this is probably something that a lot of people in their 40s and 50s go through, especially when your parents do start to age and you have to face things like, uh, Alzheimer's and dementia in your family members, because that's happening in my family. And you know, you, you go, I don't know how I'm going to, to do this. And somehow, As long as you only take the next step, you keep going. And that's, that's how I see 2025. I, I want 2025 to be a year of growth and adventure and rise and shine. But I think 2025 might just be live,
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah. Yeah.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:and be present because that's really what I was doing yesterday morning. I'm Ironically, not in France right now, I'm in Portugal, um, but I want to be here in Portugal at the moment. My, I will get too much in my head. I start spiraling thinking about this possible bad outcome or that possible bad outcome, none of which is actually happening right now, and I literally have to take a couple deep breaths. I, I'll spread out my arms and point my palms down towards the ground to almost feel the energy of the earth come back up into me and like feel my feet on the ground and be like, you're here. There are no tigers around you right now. And I sometimes have to say that out loud to myself because it's, it can be really easy to get trapped in this vortex of emotion that isn't happening right now.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yep. Yep.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:But you know it could, so you're like, I'm not being insane, I'm just
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:I'm just preparing.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Jinx! And it is a hard balance, because, you know, if you're gonna go give a speech You do want to practice that speech. You do want to know what you're going to say to your audience. And I think I treat a lot of life like that. Like I need to always be getting ready so that I'm at my best, and I'm always performing at my top level. But I think it's um, slowly killing me. to constantly expect myself to perform at a race car level or at an Olympic level. An Olympian does not run at an Olympian speed 24 7,
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Exactly.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:but that's what I've been asking of myself now for decades.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:And France is slowly showing me an alternative path. It still boggles my mind to try and think. about life instead of work. I don't get it, but I want it. And that's what keeps me going. I know why I moved here. I know what I want for myself from this experience. And I know that the only way to get it is to see this through, even though I have no idea. What that means.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah. Yeah.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:There's nothing more to say. Because there's no answers!
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah, I know. I know. I just, you know, when I future trip like that, I'm always asking myself, what will I do in this situation more than what, what if this happens? It's more like, okay, if this happens, what will I do? If this happens, what will I do? If
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Oh yeah, exactly.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:what will I do? And I think because there's so much that I don't have control over. I'm like, well I don't have control over that, so I'm not gonna, not gonna worry about that. I'm not gonna worry about that. I'm just gonna like, sort of, try not to worry about that. Even though that's super hard.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Yeah, I'm like, are you actually accomplishing that? Because if so, you are definitely at least one human level above me.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:I think, well, bit by bit, bit by bit, I mean the big thing this past summer was like, you know, choosing, feeling, feeling like I was stuck. Between choosing, you know, choosing the boomer generation and sacrificing my child's, my child, or choosing my child and sacrificing my elders.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:It's like an impossible choice.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:It felt that way, and then I remembered that my responsibility is to my child.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Absolutely.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:And that I can't, I mean, as much as, um, as much as it kills me to do that, if I did the alternative, I don't think that would work out. And you have to let adults, you can't rescue adults from themselves. And were I to uproot everything in an attempt to do that, there's no guarantee I would have any success.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:true.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Whereas I can definitely make choices for my child that I wholeheartedly believe will be better for his future and make a positive impact. And I can't say with a hundred percent certainty that if I made the other choice that that would be the outcome.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:That's an incredible level of important clarity. Yeah,
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:And I think that's really the only reason why I am as like together as I am is because Folks, I got started with therapy young and I kept at it until I became an adult and then through that process until I became like a good functioning adult. And I can tell you the last couple weeks I've been thinking like, gosh, it'd be nice to have a good therapist right now, but
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:you are not the only one who had that thought. I am right there on that ship with you. I'm like, hmm, better help. It's just one click away.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:yeah, I don't recommend better help.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:I have tried it and it's a kind of a potluck of, of who you end up working
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah, I feel like, I,
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:But the thing is, let's, can we talk about that for a second for in case there's anybody else looking for therapy or wishing they had it too? When I, when I was looking for a therapist, I couldn't find one. There's the whole insurance thing in network thing. Are they even taking new clients thing? Because ever since the pandemic therapists are also overbooked.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yep.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:And that is why I ended up with BetterHelp, and I think it's why BetterHelp exists.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yep.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:I don't have good advice for people, even myself, for finding help right now. Do you?
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:I don't, I mean, my problem is that because I've had about 30 years of therapy, give or take, the, the finding a therapist who I'm not smarter than. is that much harder. So, which is why I'm not seeking therapy at all because, you know, the last couple of times I've tried, I've been like, well, yeah, I'm
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:They're going back to fundamentals that you're like, yeah, I kind of, I know these ones. Like,
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah. Or, or there, or they don't actually have tools and resources for Beyond the basics that you step out of college with or, or, you know, I don't know. I, I, I, I actually, I don't know. I'm just making guesses. But, uh, regardless to say, they felt rudimentary and inadequate for where I'm at in my cognitive and emotional processing. Um, So, I'm not pursuing therapy. Because I don't want to take the time and money to find somebody only to be like, God, no thanks.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Yeah, and you're telling the starter story over and over again, like, well, when I was three.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Oh, yeah. I didn't think even if they want me to do that in like the first couple of sessions, I'm like, no, if this is how you do therapy, then I know this isn't going to work because I'm passed. Yeah.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Yeah, I will say that something I'm really bad at,
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Uh huh.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:but that I know helps is literally to call your friends and tell them how you're feeling.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Mm hmm.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:I am extremely bad at this because I don't want to. Um, be a burden on other people, and that's how it feels to me.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yeah.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:However, I know, logically, that number one, it actually does really help because you won't feel as alone because it turns out that everybody's going through the same garbage you are. But maybe more importantly, your friends kind of like knowing that you're not perfect. I mean, they already know it.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:But when you admit it and you show it,
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:It makes for a better friendship.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:And it lets them also know that they can reach out to you. You know? So, I'm, I'm saying this coming from a place of a person who's very bad at this, but when I do it every four years, it's really helpful. So that would be my actual recommendation because it can feel really impossible to find professional help. It can feel really impossible to afford professional help, but. Your friends are there.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:yeah, if you can find a good ear, use it. And if you, you know, to the degree that you know what you need in that moment, ask for it beforehand. You know, say like, oh here, do not tell me, do not give me advice please.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Just listen.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Just, all I need right now is someone to listen to what's happening for me. But I don't want advice. Please don't tell me how to fix it. I'm not there yet. You
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Yeah, and it's important to share with the right person. Not somebody who's going to sabotage you. Not somebody who's going to impose, uh, solutions on you like a parent. That's not
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Right. Or make it about them in some weird way. Cause
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Yeah,
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:that's dysfunctional.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:But I find that over the years, aside from not wanting to be a burden on people, the biggest thing that got in my way was embarrassment. I remember specifically when I got divorced, I felt incredibly embarrassed. about having failed at this thing. Like you, you invite all your friends to come to your wedding and all your family members, and they all celebrate with you and they all give you presents and they all paid money to fly to wherever the hell you were. And then seven years later, you're like, yeah, it didn't work out. Like that was really embarrassing to me. And it turned out. that there was another friend that I wasn't close with at the time. She was actually going through the exact same thing and she also wasn't telling anybody because she also felt incredibly embarrassed.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Wow.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:we came together, we were able to grow and share and laugh and cry together, not just about the divorces, but also about the fact that we let our embarrassment keep us from
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Getting support. Yeah. Yeah.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:And it doesn't help, it only hurts.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yep.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:So, I mean, let me clear that. It only hurts if you don't reach out to the people who actually love you. I can clarify that. Is there anything else we want to say today?
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:I don't think so.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Wish us luck, guys. We wish you luck.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Look for the miracle.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:I do, I do think that there is going to be Beauty. A lot of beauty in 2025. I don't think it's going to be an easy year, but I think it's going to be one worth living, and I look forward to seeing it blossom. And I think maybe that's the right word for it, because there is no control. You can't force a flower to bloom. You have to allow it. You have to water it. You have to give it sunshine, and then you have to wait. And that might be 2025 for me.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Yep. Awesome. I'm just gonna keep skating. And pray there are no snowstorms.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:Watch out for the cracks. Listen, listen for the danger. Skate the other
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Skate the other way.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:All right, dear listeners. Thank you for being with us on this journey. It's been a journey and it isn't over yet.
la-chingona_1_12-19-2024_022544:Hasta luego.
rebecca_1_12-19-2024_102544:À la
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